When I was in my late twenties, one of the life-changing lessons I learned was as follows:
“Life works when you keep your agreements”.
It had a profound affect on me.
You think “Of course you should keep your agreements, what’s new about that?”
Well it isn’t how we all act.
It certainly wasn’t how I acted.
Like everyone else I would make lots of agreements.
I would agree in order to avoid conflict.
“Can we meet on Tuesday for a drink?”
“Can you write this copy?”
“Can you be on time for this meeting?”
“Can you call me immediately after the meeting?”
I’d agree because I didn’t want to upset them, because I wanted to be a nice guy.
It seemed like a small thing to say “Yeah, of course.”
Then, when it got near the time, things might change.
If the train was late, if it was raining, if I had a better offer, if I didn’t feel like it, if it was inconvenient.
So I made lots of agreements, but I only actually kept the ones I felt like keeping.
I was unfocussed, I wasted energy inventing excuses, avoiding people, pretending, feeling bad.
That’s why life didn’t work as well as it could.
It was cluttered, messy, unfocussed.
I was agreeing to things without committing to them.
That’s the difference.
When I made an agreement to do something, like most people, that wasn’t what I meant.
What I meant was “Yeah, if I still feel like it later.”
I’d make an agreement then, often, not keep it.
I’d find an excuse then complain about how unfair it was when the other person got angry.
But then, in a seminar, I heard the maxim: “Life works when you keep your agreements.”
And I thought, let’s examine that carefully.
That doesn’t mean “Life works when you make lots of agreements.”
It means you only make agreements you know you’re going to keep whatever happens.
Consider the agreement carefully before you make it.
If it isn’t an agreement you’re prepared to keep NO MATTER WHAT don’t make it.
Don’t make the agreement in the first place.
Sure the person you’re with may be disappointed, but that will be a smaller problem.
Compared to the much larger problem later on, of not keeping the agreement.
Of the polluting effect that has on your life.
Examining every agreement before you make it will make you examine what you’re doing more thoroughly.
What you’re prepared to commit to and what not.
Your life becomes more focussed, your communication much clearer and cleaner.
You waste less time on things you don’t want to do.
You waste less time on conflict.
Because you waste less time avoiding conflict by passive lying.
DAVE, love today’s post because I’m getting tired of people who don’t keep their word. And mobiles have made it so much easier – just text at the last mo whatever lie comes to mind.
Too often, people play the CIA game – when you ask them to do something, they say, “Ok, I understand” – as if they mean to do it. Then when they don’t, they will say, ‘but I never agreed to do it – I just said I understand’. Complete bollocks, of course.
Dave, I love it when I get a new post from you show up on my reader.
Always a brilliant read. You’re easily one of my internet cornerstones – Not as important as Facebook maybe, but well above Instagram.
I’ve even signed my mum up to all your stuff.
I have a question, you did a post somewhere on on one of your blogs (either here, CSTTG or Campaign) about agencies that don’t allow their employees to use competitor brands – I think you referenced a story about someone drinking Pepsi in a lift or something.
Off the top of your head, you don’t know where you posted it do you? I can’t seem to find it.
It would be perfect for an all-staffer at my work right now.
Here you go Ben:
http://davetrott.campaignlive.co.uk/2013/04/09/core-believers-v-core-non-believers/
Wouldn’t having a rolodex of ‘get out excuses’ constitute creativity?
“I’ve been diagnosed with having a multiple personality, I’m not even me, that guy that agreed to do it was someone else.”
John,
Sure if that’s what you want life to be about.
Getting away with things you never wanted to do in the first place.
But you only have a limited amount of time and energy on the planet.
It depends where and how you want to spend it.
Dave,
Admittedly that m.o can be exhaustive but since when was being creative easy?
I guess it probably is much better in the long run to be straight upfront and honest but like you say most people don’t seem to be to handle that.
There is a certain directness that some find ‘refreshing’.
As a generalisation, I don’t think northerners know any other way, to be honest.
I detect that certain factions from the east end are of a similar leaning.
Typo alert: “Don’t seem to be able to handle that.”
Thanks for the link Dave.